Crustianity Definitions

Santa and JeebusGosh: He is the God of Crustianity. He is also known as the one and only God, the invisible man in the sky, your imaginary friend, and as Santa Claus. Gosh dresses up in a warm red winter coat on his son's birthday and gives presents to all good Crustian children.

Jeebus Crust: He is the son of Gosh and part of the Holy 3-Some (or Ménage à Trois). Jeebus was born to Bloody Mary, a virgin, by a miracle of the Spirit of Truthiness. The Holy Babble gives an account of an angel visiting Bloody Mary to tell her that she was chosen to bare the Son of Gosh. Jeebus is known as the first Ninja. He is also the first to demonstrate the Ninja stealth ability of turning into a bunny.

Spirit of Truthiness: Is one of the three divine beings of the Holy Ménage à Trois which make up the single substance of Gosh, the others being Gosh the dad and Jeebus the Son. The Spirit of Truthiness is different from Jeebus in that He does not have a physical manifestation and that He frequently dwells in and amongst Gosh's people as a spiritual guide or a Comforter. He also has been known to comfort children when they loose their teeth by giving them coins. A lot of children call him the Tooth Fairy

More Crustian Definitions

Bloody Mary: She is the mother of Jeebus and the mistress of Gosh. There is still a debate on whether she was raped by Gosh or she committed adultery on her husband.

Crustmas: This week long holiday begins with the Pine Sacrifice, includes days of baking Crustmas goodies and wrapping gifts, and climaxes with Presents Day on December 25th, the birthday of Jeebus Crust.

Easter: The day we celebrate when Jeebus Crust resurrected, as a bunny.

Glory Holy : A Crustianity expression that means hello, goodbye, thank you and nice ass.

Heaven: Also known as 'Your Happy Place', is far better than the afterlife of any other religion. Crusty Heaven is whatever you want it to be. If you want to clone cheerleaders, you can do that. If you want multiple orgasms for men, you've got it. Unlimited virgins that actually know what there are doing? Of course. Drugs without side effects, then that is what you get. If you want to spend every day surrounded by Chippendales, welcome to heaven. Ask a Christian clergyman if their is 'oral pleasure' or tequila in their heaven. There is plenty of that in ours.

Heck: It is worse than the hell of any other religion. As argued by Blaise Pascal, you should do whatever you can to avoid a hell such as this.

High Ninja Council : The Ninja Council, once known as the twelve disciples, are the strongest members of the Ninja Order and were elected to lead the Ninjas. The High Council is a group of twelve wise and powerful Ninjas elected to guide the Ninja Order, as well as serve as an advisory body for Jeebus Crust.

Intelligent Design : Is used by Christians to try to push their religious beliefs into a science course. Even though Crustians believe in a creator, Crustians realize that there is no scientific evidence that backs this claim. We use faith and truthiness to guide us, not science.

Ninjas: They are the clergy and protectors of Crustianity. They are known for there very powerful and sometimes god-like abilities.

Ninjas Masters: The most powerful Ninjas.

Presents Day: A day to honor the birthday of Jeebus (December 25th) by requesting gifts from others.

Santa Claus: Santa is the name that many children call Gosh as he dresses up in his warm red coat around December 25th to celebrate his birthday. He flys around the world in his sleigh giving presents to good Crustian girls and boys. Christianity has stolen this idea and even has parents posing as Santa Clause.

Special: A word used to describe someone who believes in a higher power. It takes a 'Special' person to believe in something without any evidence.

Ten Suggestions: Gosh does not give orders or commandments. However, does give some good suggestions for how you might want to live your life.

Tooth Fairy: Though His real name is the Spirit of Truthiness, children have popularized him as the Tooth Fairy, because he is known to leave money under pillows when Crustian children loose their teeth. Many non-Crustian parents have since copied the Spirit of Truthiness by leaving money for their children.

Truthiness: A term, popularized by Stephen Colbert, that summarizes the Crustianity belief system. Just like with followers of other religions, Crustians think with their gut, not with the head.